It was 2012 and I found myself in another Bible study.  That was my comfortable place.  Those were the people that I identified with.  At least that’s what I told myself.  Ever since I had N and I was home for a large portion of the year, I would participate in mom’s groups and Bible studies at church. That’s how I had always seen myself.  I was a church girl and wanted to hold on to that identity.

However, I was at a crossroads of faith that I had been at many times since college.  I had always pressed forward and chose a life of faith but my faith was wavering and full of questions.  I continued following Jesus, down the path that I chose as a child but now somehow the burden was on me.  I lost sight of my Savior and what He had done for me.

Life was once much simpler. As I thought back on my childhood, I couldn’t remember a time that I didn’t believe in Jesus.  I knew He died for me.  I had centered my life on this faith and it became so much of my identity.  I continued that path by choosing a Christian college.  My plan was to surround myself with people just like me.   However, the Christian bubble I built was not the safe haven I expected. It was here in college my faith was shaken by a Bible class.   Here, I first stood at the crossroads and questioned the faith I grew up with.  Many things in my life that I accepted based on this childlike faith were now turned to questions. What I knew by faith seemed to be narrowed and the path ahead now became unclear.

Even though I had question after question, I didn’t know how to be anyone else.  So, I continued to be a church girl and although I knew deep down that Jesus had died for my sin, questions were attempting to snuff out my faith in unbelief.

So that’s how I found myself in another bible study.  With the people that believed what I wanted to believe wholeheartedly. I chose to hold onto my faith and not let it slip away.  I thought I was doing this holding on all alone.  I thought it was up to me to make my steps sure and keep myself on the path.  I thought I was holding my faith together.  I thought that if I acted right my faith would come back.  God met me in my misconceptions and questions.  It was by God’s providence He put me in the first class we were challenged to memorize Psalms 121.

 

“I lift up my eyes to the hills.
From where does my help come?
² My help comes from the Lord,
    who made heaven and earth.

³ He will not let your foot be moved;
    he who keeps you will not slumber.
⁴ Behold, he who keeps Israel
    will neither slumber nor sleep.

⁵ The Lord is your keeper;
    the Lord is your shade on your right hand.
⁶ The sun shall not strike you by day,
    nor the moon by night.

⁷ The Lord will keep you from all evil;
    he will keep your life.
⁸ The Lord will keep
    your going out and your coming in
    from this time forth and forevermore.”

–Psalm 121

As I reviewed this passage over and over it began to seep into my life.  My God is not a God who keeps us at a distance to walk the path alone.  He is not a God who turns His head from our doubts and our fears to let the elements of the day strike us down.  “The LORD is your keeper.”

Sometimes I wondered how I still found myself with any faith at all. I wondered why my questions didn’t wash it all away.  These words, “The LORD is your keeper,” brought me so much peace.  He was the one who wouldn’t let my foot be moved even though it was a rocky path.  He was the one who protected me and kept me from evil.  He was the one that kept me on the path of faith.  He was the one who put me in that class to tell me He is my keeper and He will keep my life.  All those years of struggle, I thought that I was holding it all together but this passage stands as a stone of remembrance in my life that I do not walk the rocky path alone.  I walk with the Creator of all things, the one who never sleeps and the one who will never let me out of His grasp.  The LORD is my keeper.

This stone of remembrance is a marker along the way in my struggle of faith.  I hope to continue to share with you how God has met me in this journey.  God has laid it on my heart to share this struggle to encourage those who might find themselves here.  If you want to keep up to date please subscribe.  I want to make sure I can let you know when more of the story is available.