As a young married couple, we had decided to begin a family.  My heart soared with excitement.  I was ready.  I had an annual doctor appointment and I excitedly told her that we were going to start trying for a family.  I expected the returned excitement, maybe even congratulations.  However, her reply was, “if you haven’t conceived after a year, make your appointment to come back and we can talk.”  Didn’t she hear what I said?  We are going to start a family.  It was decided.

Then a month passed and nothing.  A month turned into a season, and a season turned into half of a year. At that point, I decided I needed to get more serious.  I began to better track my period and chart my body temperature.  I stopped only peeing on pregnancy tests at the end of the month and started with the ovulation test kits.  I was sure that I was going to figure it out and I would be able to get pregnant.

Still nothing.

Just sadness and discouragement.

Then the night came.  Almost a year after we had begun to try. It felt like a whirlwind of congratulations and hugs.

It was the night when our friends announced their pregnancy to our small group Bible study. There was much joy and smiles.  I’m sure there were smiles because I remember the effort it took to smile.  I remember the effort it took to not run to my room and cry.  It’s a bit of a blur but I remember falling into my husband’s arms after the last person had left our home for the night.  I remember the wound and the questions inside my heart.  I remember wanting to feel happy for them but the angst of feeling sad for myself.

I had tried.  I had done it all right.  I had used all the tricks and charts.  There was nothing else I could do. I had failed.  However, I would continue to try.  I started to put my efforts into reading more and trying to find something new to do.  Two months after our friends’ announcement, I broke.  I had taken too many pregnancy tests.  I couldn’t continue look at another stick with only one line or a minus.

At that point of brokenness and sadness I realized that it wasn’t what I could do but what God would have to do if that was the plan that He had for our lives.  I could read all the suggestions and act in faith but human effort cannot create life.   Only the maker and creator, the one who knits together in the mother’s womb could give me and my husband a child.

We discussed and we prayed and we decided that we would give it to God.  We decided to trust that if we were going to have a family God would do it in his timing.  So it began, a month of no charts, no ovulation kits, no pillows under the hips.  It was a month of love and trust.  It was the first month in a year that I had not taken a pregnancy test 5 days before my missed period.  Instead we waited and we prayed.  I cried and we trusted.

It was that month that my period was actually late.  It was that month that I decided to wait a couple more days to take the test.  It was that month that there were two lines on our pregnancy test.  I remember we huddled on the floor of the hallway and hugged in excitement.

That time in waiting to conceive a child was very hard.  I know many wait much longer than my husband and I and some never conceive.  My heart breaks for them, for I had only a glimpse of this heart break and still it seemed so much to bear.  Yet, I am thankful for that time to see that it wasn’t my efforts but the very hand of God.  I am thankful to see that my son is a gift from God and not my efforts.  I am thankful that God began to teach me that I can trust Him and His plan for me.  I am thankful that He continues to show me how I need to trust Him more.  The wait brought the realization of the miracle that it is to conceive a baby.  It brought a trusting that couldn’t have been possible if my plan had worked in my timing.  I learned that I can depend on God and his provision for my life even if it doesn’t match my desires.

Here I am ten years after having this child and still needing to be reminded of God’s love and provision in my life.  I still need the constant reminder that He knows the plans that are best for me even though I may ask or long for another avenue.  I need to be reminded that God is trustworthy in His answer no matter what that answer is.  What is it that I can hold onto as that tangible reminder of God working in my life?  What is the stone of remembrance?  What is it that I look on and remember the faithfulness of God?  Is it the story or a picture?  In this case, is it my child?

Can I change the way I look at my child so that each time I see him I am reminded of the the provision and faithfulness of my God?   Can I look at each of my children this way? Oh I desire this!  Can I look into their eyes and each time remember that they were born out of a lesson in trusting God’s faithful provision in my life?  Can they stand to remind me God is with me and God is faithful?

I look back on this hard time with joy.  My first son, N, my “gift from God” serves as a stone of remembrance of my need for trust.  This reminder of God’s blessing shows me that I cannot do it on my own but need to do it with my God.  He is the one who has a plan for me (Jeremiah 29:11).  He is the one who knew the timing.  He is the one who holds it all together in His perfect plan (Colossians 1:17).

I need to trust the Lord.  Trust Him for my salvation.  Trust Him for my provision.  Trust Him for my value.  Trust Him with my life.

Father, may I look at this story and at this child as a stone of remembrance of You showing me how to depend on You.  May I see that I need You in each moment.  May I trust You with my everything.

Your Turn:

Are you dealing with the heartache of looking out on your desire and yet having it beyond your grasp? Are you trusting God with these desires? Are you working and striving or laying it at God’s feet and waiting to see what He will do?

Do you have a story that you can look back on and see that it was clearly the Hand of God working and providing?  How did God meet your needs when you were unable?