Hi, I’m Erin Michele, and welcome to steps to trusting. Thank you for joining us today. It is my goal here to meet you where you are in your faith journey and encourage you to continue to take steps to trusting the Lord more fully.  [00:00:19]

Hi everyone. Today’s conversation is one that’s close to my heart. It’s a conversation about questions in our faith. I went through a big struggle in time where I questioned the faith that I grew up with. And that is also the experience of our guest today. Faith Raider, Faith has a book out called Confessions of a Roadkill Christian in that book, faith discusses how she felt like the faith that she had grown up with was run over by the hard things in life.[00:00:50]

 She talks about the questions and the doubts that came up in her faith. Today faith is going to help us to put some terminology and understanding around what is happening when we begin to question our faith. She is also going to encourage us that going through these questions is good for us. [00:01:12]

They cause us to look at who God is that we can follow him more closely. If you are someone who has had questions in your faith, or if you know someone who is going through this process of questioning things about their faith right now, this conversation is for you. I pray that you’ll be blessed.[00:01:31]

I want to tell you guys a little bit more about our guest. Her name is Faith Raider. Faith is a writer, a speaker, and general encourager. She is a mother of six and in the spare time that they give her, she continues to work as an author and a writing coach. She is author  of the short spiritual memoir, Confessions of Roadkill Christian, and the Bible study,  Brave Women of the Bible.[00:01:55]

I am so pleased to welcome to the show, my friend, Faith Raider. Hi Faith. How are you today? [00:02:02]

Faith: Hi, I’m doing well. How are you? [00:02:04]

Erin: Good. Thank you so much for joining us today, I’m so glad that you are here joining us , and I’m excited to be talking about this topic because doubt and questions are such a big thing that come up in the lives of Christians. And I think there are things that people are not always willing to talk about. So thank you so much for being willing, to be honest and share what it was like to be going through these struggles. We’re going to jump right in and I want to start with some terminology. So I was wondering  faith, if you could share with us a description of what deconstruction of faith means. [00:02:43]

Faith: Yeah. Sure. So to go through deconstruction, it means that you are basically questioning everything about your faith. It just like really, really deep level. If you think of your doctrines and your beliefs has like volumes of encyclopedias. They, you just take them all down and then you start putting them back in one at a time. Like, Do I believe in this?[00:03:06]

Erin: It sounds like an easy and simple explanation. but I’m sure in your story, it’s not that simple and easy. Can you share with us a bit of your story and how you came to a place where you felt like your faith was being deconstructed?[00:03:22]

Faith: I was raised in church. my parents were both really strong Christians and, We were there all the time. My dad was a deacon, my mom taught Sunday school.  And we were at church all the time and I was raised with all the Bible stories and a really solid foundation of doctrine. But around 2009, after the birth of my fourth child. We hit just like wave after wave of spiritual warfare. It was a financial crisis. We were in a relationship crisis.  my brother died. I was struggling with severe depression and it just felt overwhelming.  I felt like I had been hit by a hurricane and the structure of my faith had just been demolished. And when I thought about what I believed it felt like someone had taken the volumes of encyclopedias and just like swept them all to the ground. And I didn’t know what I believed about anything anymore, except that God was real and God loved me. But I was questioning every other thing that I had been taught about the Bible and about Jesus and what it meant to be saved and  just all the things that often make up our identity as a Christian.[00:04:56]

I was just wasn’t sure about anymore. That’s kind of like what the definition of deconstruction is. Deconstruction is when your faith either because you’re questioning everything like, intentionally pursuing, questioning your faith or whether you feel like for me, I felt like it wasn’t something I pursued was just something that happened to me more.[00:05:24]

 Erin: I feel like I have been in a similar place for that. And, this word of deconstruction or this term of deconstruction of faith is a really new term for me. However, it’s not outside of something that I’ve experienced talking to you and discussing this with you has allowed me to put words on something that I also experienced.[00:05:45]

I’ve actually heard you say that regarding Christians, that the details of our stories are very different, but the pain of them is so often the same. And you said the hope is the same God as the Redeemer and the restorer. And he loves, to bring healing to the broken places in our lives. And so  in that place when you felt like those encyclopedias were all on the floor and you didn’t know what to believe, what was the first step for you to pursue trying to even just figure out what faith was or to pursue God?[00:06:17]

 Faith: I think the thing that surprised me the most in that situation. Was I expected God’s posture towards me to be scolding. Like, Why are you so weak that you couldn’t keep your faith together? But instead I discovered God as tender and gentle and loving. And I think the very first thing that I had to do was let myself be loved by God in this place of total brokenness.[00:06:50]

  I did not have my act together in any area of my life. And I, I felt so ashamed. And yet God was there with this tender presence .    I just saw over and over how God was saying, I love you. I’m here with you.   I expected  to be rebuked. And instead I received love and just letting, God love me there right there while I was a mess was very healing. [00:07:20]

 Erin: Would you be able to explain a little bit of how you were feeling that loving presence of God ? [00:07:26]

Faith: It’s hard to put language to that. I’m really thankful that I had just noticed  what it felt like for God to speak to me in a season right before that. The season right before that I felt like every time I sat down to read my Bible, God was saying, I love you. I love you. Like see how much I love you.  [00:07:49]

There was definitely a season of preparation before the season of deconstruction. So knowing what God’s voice sounded like that it was, it was wiser than I am. It was more loving than I am. In a space where I was really confident in my faith helped me. Then when I was not confident to still know, like, this is what God’s voice sounds like.  [00:08:14]

Erin: I’m curious  if this was something that you were openly walking through, or if this was, just private, because for me personally, like you said, the shame that you felt, And the identity that you had placed in your Christian,  background that has something that, that I just felt like, if I say this question out loud, then what are people going to think about me? [00:08:40]

 Because I’m questioning my faith. Right. But it’s like all those pieces that,  we didn’t put back together. I felt like for me, my faith didn’t fall apart until long after I didn’t ask those questions. and I wonder, although I, you know, don’t want to take it back, but I wonder if I tried to process that with people and was willing to do that.[00:09:01]

 If my walk would have been different. If it would have been a shorter period for me. but how about you? Was that something private or was it something that people just knew that was going on because you shared it with them? [00:09:13]

Faith: I think it’s both. I think a deconstruction period. It’s a really lonely period. I’ve heard other people’s stories. And I feel like this is a really common theme that you just feel all alone and unsure    even where you belong. And I feel like this is an important part of the process, because it’s not, it’s not about you and your identity in your church or with your friends, it really is about your relationship with God. So while I was at different points, more open than others. No, I would say it was very, very hard for me to talk about it because I didn’t even know what was going on. I didn’t learn the word deconstruction for probably years , I couldn’t say, Oh, I’m going through deconstruction and this is something that a bunch of people do. I was just fully freaking out. Yeah. Like you said, so. so ashamed of myself, for going through this.  [00:10:23]

Erin: What would you want to say to someone who was feeling like they were in that place that you’re talking about that lonely place? because I know sometimes we often say like, Oh, we just want to stick a Bible verse on it. Right. And make it all be better. Right. And so I’m not asking for the- for the Bible verse bandaid.  [00:10:43]

but what, you know, knowing the hurt and the pain and the loneliness that you were sitting in, what do you wish that you could hear? [00:10:53]

]Faith: I think if I was sitting down with somebody and they were telling me about all the questions that  they didn’t go out looking for their faith to be questioned, but they just find themselves with these questions and they find themselves wrestling with their spiritual identity. [00:11:14]

I would say that what you’re going through is really normal.  A lot of people right now are going through this shift and going through this questioning. And I really see this as a move of the Holy Spirit that God is disrupting comfortableness in our identities as Christians. But that doesn’t make it less painful. [00:11:36]

It does really, really hurt.  But what is on the other side of the healing is totally worth it. And God is faithful. He’s not, you know, leave you broken-hearted forever.[00:11:52]

Erin: Yeah.   What an encouragement to know that we aren’t alone when we go through struggle and that we are not the first one to go through that.  Faith during this time, what choices were you faced with making outwardly? [00:12:06]

Faith:  I had to make a commitment to keep showing up to my spiritual community. No matter how I felt. There were a bunch of times where I would show up to church and I would be so exhausted that I felt like I didn’t get anything out of it. And I might not connect with anybody, but then I would come another week and I would hear exactly what I needed on that Sunday. [00:12:34]

Or a friend would hug me and say, I just wanted you to know that I’ve been praying for you. And, you know, You don’t get an alert on your phone saying this morning is going to change your life. Or this morning you’re going to have the encouragement. I just had to keep showing up and trust that even if I felt like this was a waste of time, or even if I felt like nobody saw me and nobody cared about me that over  several years, Of building relationships just a little bit at a time I grew so much  just  little increments and my relation – ships got so much deeper just in these little increments. So I just really had to commit that this was what I was going to do. Even when I didn’t feel like it. And even when I didn’t feel like I was necessarily getting anything out of it. [00:13:29]

Erin: I think that is, a visual picture of stepping out  in  faith, right.  even when we don’t feel like it. It’s it’s in those little steps where we’re saying like, okay, God, I’m going to believe that this is good for me. I’m going to believe you because it doesn’t feel like it’s helpful. [00:13:47]

 It feels like work and it feels hard. But we are called to those little steps of just showing up that I think is a step in trusting that God knows what is good for you.   What choices do you feel like you are faced with inwardly?  [00:14:01]

Faith: I felt like during the time of my deconstruction that I had. Walked a path of fear. So many times that I had dug myself a rut and like, what if it was always going to be this way? And what if I could never find my way back towards some sort of a spiritual home? And I felt like God really challenged me to dig a new rut of faith that I could trust God.  [00:14:31]

 And that God was leading me towards healing. And I just had to sort of check myself when I found myself traveling down that mental rut of freaking out and fearfulness and then switch paths and, and dig a new row of faith. I can trust God. God is leading me somewhere. Good. I can’t see where that is headed and I don’t know what that’s gonna look like, but I trust that God is good and he’s with me, he’s leading me somewhere good. And that was a lot of hard wrestling work, and it was a daily thing.  it was small increments of change, but  it made a big difference.  [00:15:10]

Erin:  that makes me think of  the Bible verse that we take captive every thought, right? Digging that rut saying I’m not going to walk in that way. I’m going to take that captive and I’m going to walk the other way and I’m going to trust that God is faithful and I’m going to walk down the he’s faithful path instead of the lies that we’re believing.  [00:15:29]

 Yeah. Faith. Can you think of a moment or a time period that might be a turning point for when you felt like the encyclopedia started going back up on the shelf where God was helping you to  bring those beliefs about him back together.  [00:15:47]

Faith: There was this moment when I felt utterly at the end of my rope. I felt like I just could not keep moving forward in the pain of the season. And I walked into my bathroom at the end of the night and my Bible was sitting on top of my toilet, which never happens. I never have my Bible and the bathroom, but for some reason it was there and I just opened it up and looked at the first verse that I saw, which I never do.  [00:16:22]

But this night I was desperate and these are the verses in the message translation. That really helped me through where I was at. It’s first Corinthians 10:13, and it says no test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down. He’ll never let you be pushed past your limit. He will always be there to help you come through it.  That was like a breath of air when I felt like I was drowning.  and then another moment was Church. There was a sermon series of when we go through storms, was that topic of the sermon series.  [00:17:12]

And I remember at the end of one of those services, Just like crying and praying at the end of the service. And I felt like God was telling me you are not responsible for putting yourself back together. That’s my job. You just need to stay present and participate in what I am doing.  That helped me realize that it wasn’t my job to put myself back together that a hurricane had come through my life.  [00:17:42]

 And I had fallen apart. God was the one who was going to put it me back together. And that really helped me trust in the process and trust in the healing and not try and muscle my way through it.  [00:17:58]

Erin: it makes me think of the Bible verse Hebrews 12:2, where it talks about God being the author and finisher of our faith. Right. I think another translation says the author and perfecter of our faith and just that idea of, but you don’t have to hold up your own faith that God is the one who, who builds it and puts it together.  [00:18:17]

And I think that’s a beautiful  visual  of how God is doing that in our lives. I heard Beth Moore talked about that. We can have faith because he is faithful. And, and just that, that idea that you’re saying there, it’s not just relying on you to put all that together, but because the character of who God is that he is faithful, that we can trust him.  [00:18:40]

Because I feel like for me personally, I was like I   have all these questions and I want to believe it,  but I don’t know how to. And it was,  all just kind of like on my own back, like I need to muster up the faith to do this.  whereas that’s not what the Bible teaches us. It tells us that God is faithful. Even when we’re not, when we’re faithless, he’s still faithful.  [00:19:02]

Faith: Yeah. And I was thinking of a verse this morning about this. That was really important for me as I was wrestling through, especially putting my faith back together. It’s John 16:13, but when he, the spirit of truth comes, he will guide you into all the truth. Okay. And that was. A verse that I turned into a prayer, just Holy spirit, come guide me into truth and then trust that God would do that.   [00:19:31]

And it wasn’t on me to go frantically search for truth, but let the spirit guide me into truth.  [00:19:39]

Erin: how has your faith different now than it was before any of these challenges came your way?  [00:19:45]

Faith:  when I was young, I thought of my faith as being in a box. That , had really nice sturdy walls and I was really comfortable inside of it. But when, so walls kind of got blown off, I realized that faith is more of a wide open field and we’re all in different places. On that field and that I have been in different places. And will continue to grow and change and learn. And that having a strong faith isn’t one stagnant place, it is a journey and it’s a progression of growing closer and closer to God and letting God reveal who he is to me and also who I am in his eyes. and that is something that’s constantly growing.  [00:20:39]

Erin: how do you interact differently because of your experience?  [00:20:43]

Faith: There is so much compassion And gentleness for people around me, but also for myself that I learned through that excruciating period of time and I wouldn’t take it back. I would sign up to go through it again if that’s what it took, because , I grew so much through it.  [00:21:04]

 Erin: how would you support someone who is walking in the path that you’ve found yourself in, in deconstruction?  [00:21:12]

]Faith: One of the things that’s really important to understand. Is that this experience happens. In a bigger context. It’s a part of a bigger story, and I’ve never seen anybody goes through deconstruction who didn’t have some kind of story of hurt. And I think it’s really important. If you have a friend or someone who’s close to you, who’s going through deconstruction to just sit with them and listen to their story and ask what’s going on.  [00:21:44]

And  what happened and just listen. It can be very hard, very, very hard to not take it personally, and to not feel attacked when you have a friend who’s maybe been hurting by , a church that you love, but to just sit and listen with love and concern, and compassion is so good for you to get a different perspective, but it’s so healing for them.  [00:22:10]

And I’d also say It’s not your job to lead them back home. That’s God’s job.  that’s not a burden that you can carry. God is who he says he is. And you will do what he said he would do in your friend’s life.  the best thing that you can do is just love that person and listen to them and not try to convince them to agree with you.  [00:22:35]

but show that you’re a trustworthy friend who loves them with out conditions that you agree on everything.  it’s honestly hard to find sometimes in churches, because everybody is kind of the same sometimes. But to be a friend who listens as important.  [00:22:53]

 Erin: Yeah. That’s so important in so many different situations. Cause I think, I believe even for myself, some of the fear and not talking about it was the fear of how my doubts would be received and how that would affect the other person. For my, Walk of faith. I’ve  come to see that,  I walked in this very childlike faith that I believed because someone told it to me.  [00:23:18]

And I believe them, and it was a faith and I was a Christian. but  that faith really needed that growing period in me to make it more my own faith to make it  not just childlike, but on fire and understanding more who God is an understanding the deepness of how he loves me.  [00:23:37]

 And if I hadn’t gone through that, I don’t know that I would fully understand the depth of his love for me. And actually I was thinking, as you were talking, the first time that I was able to stand and talk with someone that was going through a lot of doubts and questions, and for me to be able to say that I went through that and it was so hard and I want to cry with you, and I want to hear your story.  [00:24:03]

 And I want to tell you that God can use that in your life because God has used it in mine.  That is the reason that I wanted to have this part of the discussion today, because it is close to my heart.  I want people to hear that, it is a normal thing for them to go through the questioning  of faith and it is hard thing.  [00:24:24]

but God can use it if they decide to allow him to- if they decide to let their eyes be focused on who he is and to be focused on the fact that he is faithful and trustworthy, that he is Redeemer.  He can redeem that situation in our lives. And, And to remember that on the other side of the hurt and the pain there is joy and there is, relationship that is deeper than there was before the hurt and the pain.  [00:24:53]

Yeah. Well, faith, you are encouraging to me and to so many others, To grow in our faith and to be talking about what God is doing in our lives. And so I had a couple of questions as we, as we close up here. just if you could tell us about where we can hear more about your story so that more people can walk through, what you have to teach them.  [00:25:19]

Faith: I share little bits and pieces of my life on Instagram. Primarily you can find me @FaithRaider there, where I talk about writing and reading and, my journey with God.  [00:25:33]

Erin: Faith. Where,  is it that we could find the books that you have written?  [00:25:38]

 Faith: They’re on Amazon. If you just search for my name, Faith Raider, they will pull up. I also have a website www.faithraider.com, and that has all the links how to sign up for my newsletter and how to connect with me on Facebook and Twitter and, where you can get my books.  [00:26:01]

 Erin: great. Thank you so much, faith. as we close , I was just wondering if you would close us in prayer.  [00:26:07]

 Faith: I would love to. God, thank you that you are with us and that you are for us. Thank you. That when we are at the very end of our rope, you are, they’re holding on to us. Thank you. That we can trust you when we’re not sure what we believe anymore about anything while we feel like we’re falling apart. Thank you that you were there to hold us and see us, and that we can trust you that this is not where our story ends, but that you are making something beautiful out of the ashes of where we are in our story right now. Would you please be with us? And guide and help us to shine your light and your love as bright presence in the world. in Jesus’ name. Amen. [00:26:57]

 Erin: Amen. [00:26:58]

Faith thank you so much for joining us today and sharing a bit of your story with us. I know that this was a hard story for you to walk through. And I also know that there are people out there that needed this encouragement that they’re not alone.  Friends. Thank you for joining us for this conversation today.  Please feel free to reach out and connect with both faith and I, I will put a link how to connect in the show notes.  [00:27:23]

I am at steps to trusting on  both Facebook and Instagram. I would love  to continue this conversation with you all there. If you enjoyed the show and were encouraged, please hit like subscribe and share with a friend. So you don’t miss what’s  coming. Next next show, we will be discussing more of doubts in our faith and looking at some scripture to help us encourage us along the way and encourage us with God’s wisdom in how we can go through those struggles.  [00:27:53]

Erin: thank you to my friend, Jim Dougherty for creating the music for the podcast.  You can check out his album, city of God on Apple music, Spotify, or wherever you do music.  [00:28:04]

 Thank you so much for joining us and see you next time  till then I want to leave you with this reminder from Ephesians two 10 for we are his workmanship created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.  [00:28:19]

 I am praying for you as you keep on stepping.