hi friends. This is Erin Michele. Welcome to Steps to Trusting. At Steps to Trusting, it is my goal to meet you where you are in your faith journey and to encourage you to continue to take steps to trusting the Lord more fully. I’m glad you guys are joining us. I am here with Jillian Wright today.
We’re going to be talking about fear versus hope.
How do we take our fear and turn it to hoping and trusting in the Lord for his goodness and his faithfulness? How do we change from dwelling in our fears to leaning on God’s faithfulness? This is one of the big lessons that I learned in the conversation that I had with Jillian Wright. And I hope it is a blessing to you as you listen, how as Jillian walked through this story, God slowly built her faith and
Showed her, how to truly hope in him, to hope in his faithfulness and to trust in who God is.

Jillian, I was wondering if you would tell us a little bit about yourself, your family, and the ministry that you guys have.

[00:00:33] Jillian: Sure. Yeah. So me and my family, my husband, and our three children, we live, in Montreal, Quebec, in Canada. I’m originally from the Philadelphia area. We moved here two and a half years ago as missionaries.  God really captured our hearts for Montreal and for the province of Quebec, because there is a huge spiritual need here that, isn’t super well,  known. You don’t really think about Montreal when you think about mission and reaching the nations that haven’t heard the gospel, but  there’s a very unique, background here spiritually.  A lot of people have had bad experiences in what they thought was Jesus or God, or church.  So there’s some  very real barriers to the gospel here where people haven’t heard the true gospel or haven’t encountered the true experience and the freedom that Jesus offers.

[00:01:27] So , statistically there’s actually less than 1% of evangelical Christians in  Quebec and it’s the least reached people group of the Western hemisphere, which is just mind blowing.  So,  that’s why we’re here is to tell people about Jesus and the gospel and the good news that he loves them and sent his son  for them.

[00:01:45] So that’s what brought us here.

[00:01:47]Erin: Thanks so much for sharing that with us. I love to hear what you guys are doing. And I love to hear the heart that you have to share the gospel. I’m going to switch gears a little bit because today we’re going to be talking about the birth of Jillian and Jeff’s youngest child, Samuel .

[00:02:06] Samuel has some challenging circumstances around the pregnancy. Jillian, would you be willing to share with us about the day that you found out your pregnancy was not just routine and what happened that day?

[00:02:22]Jillian: Sure.  so  when I was pregnant with Samuel, I had my 20 week ultrasound,  the regular one where they check how the baby’s growing. and we found out that it was a boy and really excited and everything seemed fine. but then two days after that I received a phone call from a nurse. All she said was, did your doctor tell you about your ultrasound? And immediately was like, what does she mean? Right. So, so I said, no. And she said, Oh, well, I just want you to know that you have placenta previa and you can’t do any heavy lifting and she’ll talk to you more in two weeks. And it was, it was like so quick .

[00:03:00] I just was blown away because after two very normal, healthy pregnancies , I just wasn’t in that world of high risk pregnancy.  I’d heard of placenta previa.  I had  a friend of a friend who’s had it.  But I just didn’t know what to do with that information, really.

[00:03:14] So of course I got on Google, which is never a good idea, but at the same time, she didn’t give me much to work with anyway. So what am I supposed to do? So I got on Google and, at first I was really afraid cause so it’s just when the placenta is blocking the cervix. So basically like blocking the way out and supposed to be up high or on the side, but instead it’s in the way.

[00:03:35]So with that, the risk was more for me, then the baby, which, was a little bit scary, but also  a little bit of a relief. Cause you feel like as a grown adult  you’re stronger than this,  fragile baby. So,  I got to a point of like, okay, it will be okay. Just kind of trusting God.

[00:03:53]But a big part of that was okay with placenta previa. There’s  a 90% chance that that placenta can move. So even if at the 20 week ultrasound, it’s at the bottom, it can move to the side or the top as you grow. And so I felt really hopeful about that. I felt like, Oh, this is going to resolve or anything’s going to be okay.

[00:04:14] Erin: What was your husband’s reaction when you first told him?

[00:04:17] Jillian: Yeah. So I came upstairs and he had been working from home that day. So  I told him and I just cried and he just, prayed over me over the baby. Just prayed for protection. that’s really all we felt we could do in that moment. But he also flipped to this verse in second Chronicles, 20:12.

[00:04:37]And it’s a verse about a battle that is going on. They were completely outnumbered and all they could say was, we don’t know what to do, but our eyes are on you speaking to the Lord. That is exactly how it felt in that moment. We really don’t want to do it. And at that point I didn’t understand everything. I hadn’t read much about it. So didn’t know what to do, but all we could do in that moment was keep our eyes on Jesus and on God’s hand, on our lives and on Samuel life. So that was really powerful.

[00:05:06]Erin: So as you were in that time, just kind of waiting for things to happen. How did you deal with the fear that you had of unknown?

[00:05:13]Jillian:  I came with a lot of fear, especially my personality.  I’m very easily fearful. I like to  have a plan for things and I like to know what’s coming. And so this  very much pushed against wanting to know the plan and not being surprised. I don’t like surprises.

[00:05:29] So there’s a lot of fear of what could happen.  I tend to jump to worst case scenario type things. And so  really just, walking those fears all the way out.  Which is some ways is very therapeutic because then you can feel like, you know, what to expect. But it’s also scary too, when you, I think that through. I did experience a lot of fear, but it also was a really kind of precious time that pushed me to God who promises that in him, we don’t have to fear. And there’s so much in the Bible about not being afraid.  It’s interesting because  that year, so this was in January when I found out. So it was kind of the new year and, I’ve always loved when people do that word of the year type thing, but it’s not something that I  naturally do.

[00:06:15] I guess it’s just not like my personality, but I’ve always , think it’s a cool idea, but I’ve never done it.

[00:06:19] Erin: I love word of the year. I’ve been taking one for the last several years. Yeah.

[00:06:24] Jillian: It’s  so powerful, but I have tried it before and just have felt like, Oh, I just don’t know  what it would be. That year, I felt like God gave me the word hope. I felt like he just like put it in my lap and this was a couple of weeks before I found out.

[00:06:38]And so I’m like, I don’t know what this means, but it felt very heavy.  It felt like I’m going to need this promise. That God is a God of hope. And so man, once I found this out, I just really clung to that, that idea and that truth about God that he offers hope because that’s what I needed so much of. I found that to be really a big antidote to my fear was hope. in trusting that God is in control and that even if my worst fear came true, He it’s still my hope. My hope can’t be in, the best case scenario. It has to be in him.

[00:07:17] Erin: Can you explain a little bit  that process of how you feel like God gave you that word or how you came to that word?

[00:07:23] Jillian: Yeah. So I was just  doing what I usually do at the start of a year, which is just kind of reflecting on the past year and then looking to the future and asking God,  to guide us to lead us in this new year. What, what do you have for us in this new year? And I can’t even remember like exactly where I was in my Bible.  but I just kind of sat with that word  for a while.  but like I said, it felt like something to tuck away.  I didn’t know why. And then I quickly realized why, as that year progressed with Samuel.

[00:07:55] I wrote this lyric down that was a song that I listened to a lot while, well, I was going through this and it’s by all sons and daughters.  The one line just says, “These things unseen. Won’t cripple me. I placed my hope in you.”

[00:08:12]  When I was listening to that song during that time, it was so powerful because I felt like there was so much, I couldn’t see.  There was so much,  literally in my belly with Samuel that I don’t know, did my placenta move, did it get better? Is it worse? Like all of this that I’m like, I can’t see any of this. I can’t control any of this. And so I can either let it cripple me or place my hope in God.  So that song was really powerful for me. So, yeah.

[00:08:40]Erin:  Around 27 weeks you were able to get another ultrasound and you had got some more news.  Can you tell us about that day?

[00:08:47] Jillian: Yeah. So, so this is really interesting, actually it’s worth mentioning. So at the 20 week ultrasound, I found out what I already shared and then they weren’t, they, weren’t going to do another ultrasound to check for any movement until 32 weeks. Which is when Samuel was actually born. So what’s interesting about that is, I  really had to push for an earlier ultrasound. It’s neat the way God works, actually, part of why I pushed for it was just a feeling that I felt like looking back now. I knew that was like the Lord giving me that. But another part was that COSMOS, which is the, global missions conference at Church of the  Saviour was  in March and we wanted to go.  I knew that if nothing had changed, I couldn’t go it wouldn’t be safe. But I knew that if something had changed, we could go. There would be no reason for us not  to go. So I felt  like, it would be such a shame if  my placenta had moved and everything was fine  and we missed out on that opportunity.

[00:09:53]So with those two things in mind, I kind of brought to my doctor,  I would really like to know maybe around 28 weeks, if something had changed and she was very hesitant.  I don’t know exactly why, but she was. Eventually she said, okay, sure. You can have an ultrasound tomorrow. And so I felt very much like that was the Lord, or I know that that was the Lord guiding . Cause I tend to be very like, whatever you say but, it was clear that he did that. And so, yeah, that very next day at 27 weeks, I went in for another ultrasound.

[00:10:28] It was really, scary because she, was checking everything and  I just kept hearing her go, Oh, Oh,  trying to like contain herself, but also like, like she was afraid, which is never good.

[00:10:44]  She eventually told me, like, this has progressed to something on visa previa, which is basically like the baby’s umbilical cord, which is how they get, all of the nutrients and is also  their blood supply. Like it’s, it was crossing over. My cervix, which is where the baby comes out. And so the baby was pressing down on that, which it’s supposed to be like floating to the side or up.

[00:11:10] It’s not supposed to be pressure on that.  So eventually what they told me was that if anything were to happen, like. My water broke or, even just, okay. Anything I don’t want to get too graphic, but basically  any sort of bleeding, anything at all, you need to go to the hospital right away and have an emergency C section.

[00:11:32] There’s no, there’s no sort of like, wait and watch.  It’s very serious. Eventually too, they told me that  if I were to have any bleeding, you had about 15 minutes to get the baby out before the baby would be gone. And so that was, that was probably the scariest part of this whole thing, because that’s when I really I came face to face with the idea of potentially losing Samuel.

[00:11:57]So, so yeah, it got, it got really scary then.

[00:12:02] Erin: When you look back at all the events and having just that nurse and being able to have the ultrasound, what do you see when you look back at that?

[00:12:11] Jillian: Yeah, . So the, the place where I had the ultrasound, the doctor’s office . I could  see it from my walk and it’s right around the corner. And every time I drive by it,  almost every, every time I think it, but almost every time I also say out loud,  that’s where Samuel’s life will saved.

[00:12:27]  I feel it every time I walked by, it’s right near a grocery store that we walk to. So I pass it all the time. And so when I look back, I just see God’s hand all over it in the littlest things. So the biggest things,  even, even that ultrasound, like the woman who did it was so kind and so patient.  She spent  over an hour with me, and it was such a gift to have someone that was so kind and patient and walking me through everything. So even just thinking about that,   God was in that detail. And so, like I had mentioned earlier, Samuel was born at 32 weeks. So if,  I had waited for that ultrasound 32 weeks, it could have potentially been to late.

[00:13:09]So yeah, and it was just such, such God orchestrating everything.

[00:13:15]Erin:  When you look back now, it’s easy to see the positives, but how were you feeling? Yeah, it was much different. I’m sure when you were there.

[00:13:22] Jillian: Yeah, for sure.

[00:13:23] Erin: How are you feeling from all that news?

[00:13:26]Jillian:  I think, I had a lot of hope going into that second ultrasound, I felt very optimistic not even on a surface level, but like a deep just hope that things would have changed.  So then to get such crushing news, I just felt completely What’s that verse in the Bible it’s like crushed down, but not destroyed.

[00:13:48] I felt very much  defeated, in that sense. Yeah. It’s, it’s hard when you go from bad news to worse news.  It’s hard when you have so many people praying, like there’s so many people praying that morning. And of course I was praying that morning.  I was just ready to text everyone.

[00:14:05] Like, everything’s fine, everything’s better. And then to have that taken away. It just felt confusing and,  heartbreaking and  scary. So yeah, that was very real.  Then also with that came even more  restriction.   It’s basically bedrest. With two other kids at home that was difficult, but, I came with a lot of fear of like doing simple things, laundry what have you.   It created a lot of opportunities to worry. while you’re trying to still do your normal life, but be careful not to harm his baby, that feels so fragile.

[00:14:44]Erin: So,  when you got to the place that it wasn’t looking like things could change,

[00:14:51] what was it that your hope was in at that point?

[00:14:54]Jillian: in the beginning, I do feel that hope was  rooted in the Lord,   but it was hope that, my placenta would move and that it would change and then it would become this normal pregnancy and everything would be okay. . Yeah.

[00:15:08] I think when I was told this won’t change even though in God’s world.

[00:15:13] Of course he can do anything.    I didn’t really have any. I thing to put my hope in anymore based on  the facts.  even though that was hard, it really pushed me to only hope in the Lord and  only hope in his hand.  Cause even in  the earthly things, like the doctors, the hospital admission date, then those things where all the Lord’s at hand.

[00:15:37] And so I think my hope really shifted to the Lord .  

[00:15:40]Erin:  I was contemplating this and I was looking at Romans 8: 28.  It says, and we know that for those who love God, all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. When you get to that place of saying like, well, I was hoping that things would change.

[00:15:58] I was hoping that that was going to be the thing. And when you run out of hope, in that way. We can turn to the character of God and to say  maybe it’s not going to go my way, but I can put my hope in knowing that God is going to work this together for my good somehow. Even we don’t understand, and we don’t see what that is going to look like.

[00:16:21] Jillian: Yeah. Yeah. I think those things are very, it’s a. What’s the word I’m looking for it’s mercy, because it’s God giving us an opportunity to trust him in a way that we wouldn’t have had without that challenge. So it really isn’t mercy in that way, but it doesn’t feel like that in the moment. It feels  confusing.  Even when we found out that it. Probably wouldn’t change. we were in a place of deep prayer and  community praying. We could have easily been like, we’re doing everything, right. Like we, we did this the right way, like why, why, you know, and so there’s a temptation to think that, and yet we know that God’s ways are not our ways and it’s not this  reward system.

[00:17:11] It’s. Just a constant,  opportunity to turn back to the Lord, to trust the Lord more than we trust anything else.

[00:17:20] Erin: What made you choose to trust God in that situation?

[00:17:24]Jillian: That idea of fear, trusting God versus in my own strength was very much like. Made it even more real because it went from bad to worse. And at that point there was no chance of it changing.  With that in mind, at first, I was really seeking like data like statistics and they joined a Facebook group, for women that have had this and reading their stories.

[00:17:51] And part of that is good because you do want to be informed of course, but it got to the point where I realized,  I was putting so much weight on people’s experiences, statistics, even  my doctor, just her tone.  Just so much that I could see,  anything I could see that felt tangible, that felt  real. I was putting a lot of weight on that and it, at some point I realized, I can’t do that.  my story could be totally different than someone else’s or the doctor is just human. I can’t put that on them. I can only find true hope in the Lord because even when I would feel better after reading something online, it didn’t last. So, that would last for maybe a day or so before I was scared again. So it really kind of became this point where I realize these things can only give me  fleeting, temporary hope, before my fear comes back.

[00:18:49] I learned  anything other than Jesus will only be enough for so long.  There’s these things that we can grasp on to like statistics, like optimism even , it can only be enough for so long until you reach a point of lack. And that said like in the Lord, we will never lack anything in terms of  peace and everything he promises. Not material things, but that peace in the Lord. Jesus’s enoughness in comparison with everything else.  Everything else is gonna fall short and  something might feel like enough, but only for so long. And so that’s what I really found with Sam.

[00:19:29] The times in my journey where something really encouraged me,  wasn’t a bad thing in and of itself. And yet, it didn’t last.  It was only a matter of days before I was scared again, or  not trusting in the Lord. And so I think I’ve really been learning  that. Jesus, nothing can be as enough as him.

[00:19:52] Erin: I feel like I’ve been learning that when things feel like they’re enough,  tempted to trust in them. But then when we see the brokenness in it, or the way that, that it falls short, is when we really are pushed to trust and to really believe that he is enough. I think sometimes we let ourselves have a false security  that we have enough because we have different things and because things are going our way instead of realizing that it is only Jesus.   Things like your situation with Samuel and things like tragedy and, hardship. They are hard to walk through, but I often look at them and see them as how God is using them as a mercy to show us what we need to show us that we need more than just the statistic or the encouragement or whatever it is, but that we actually need him just like what you’re saying.

[00:20:50] Jillian: Yeah. That is, that is so true.

[00:20:54] Erin: How did you choose to trust God while you were in this need and search for lasting hope?

[00:21:02]Jillian: Yeah, it was, it was definitely a, a choice. It was definitely a day to day choice of, I don’t feel very trusting and yet,  the alternative is to just live in this fear and this doubt.  So it was a daily choice of trusting God.  Placing my hope in what I can’t see and,

[00:21:27] in some ways it’s harder for me to see it on a normal day when I’m like finding my enoughness in my afternoon coffee or my kids being really well behaved. Sometimes it’s harder to see it in those things. those things are good things to, to thank the Lord for. But they’re not the ultimate things. Even those, even those small things , can, teach us  it’s easy for me to see it in the situation with Samuel trusting God it’s a day to day thing, day to day choice.

[00:21:59] We had this day, Jeff and I were not a day, but like a moment where we really  talked about.

[00:22:04]What if the worst happens, like what if we lose Samuel? And it was very, it sounds like a horrible thing to talk about. And yet we felt like we had to be, because that was the reality.  We talked that through and at the end of that talk, we just as a,  couple decided  that we would trust God, no matter what. It was like, we had to verbally say that. We had to verbally talk that through because otherwise it was just floating that it was heavy. So we felt very free after we decided  even if the worst happens, we’re going to trust the Lord.

[00:22:37] Samuel’s name means God has heard. And. I didn’t know, that’s what his name meant when I, when I chose his name at the beginning of my pregnancy. But when I found out that that’s what it meant, it was so powerful.

[00:22:51] I wrote this with hope. so I said, God has heard, isn’t just wishful thinking a mantra to trust in when life feels like it’s coming apart at the seemes. It’s hope in its truest form, a declaration of future grace. And unwavering hope and developing a situation. Not yet resolved, it’s declaring through the very meaning of his name that God is for this baby, and God is for me.

[00:23:18]So I wrote that, that day that we had that talk and I just saved it in my phone. And I was, I, I wrote it like open hand handed me. Right. So I wrote it like. Hoping that I could say that with authority,  after he was born, but also knowing that God is God and I’m not. And so that was very much just like God giving me hope that did come to fruition and, and I’m really held on to that. Yeah.

[00:23:47] Erin: You made me cry in the best way. 

[00:23:52] That’s really beautiful. And that’s, like you said, to be able to write that in, in that time of saying , God, we’re trusting you. If we have to let go of this child and, and hoping that we don’t have to.

[00:24:06] Jillian: Yeah.

[00:24:07] Yeah. It’s such an interesting place to live  mentally, like, Hoping for the best always. And facing the potential a worse.

[00:24:22] Erin: In that very specific time of what you just said, hoping for the best and facing what the potential is.  how would you describe God’s faithfulness in that  place?

[00:24:35]Jillian:  Like I said , it was a daily choice to trust him. And so his faithfulness and in constantly giving me hope, despite my like fickleness. There was so many days where I was confronted with running  to more information. Running to the Facebook groups. Looking for hope there. Looking for help there. And yet he constantly drawn me back to himself. He’s so faithful in doing that. So it’s not like I was constantly trusting him and so he was rewarding me with faithfulness. It was more like I often struggled to trust him and he yet, he was still faithful, which is so like, God. That’s when I really decided I just have to he is in control and, I really didn’t have any other choice at that point. It was kind of like God really brought me to that.

[00:25:24] Erin: Yeah.

[00:25:26] Jillian: Because this, this is very rare, the not placenta previa, but Vasa  previa is very rare.

[00:25:32] So it’s a lot of times they don’t find out until you’re in labor. And so at that time, it’s too late, almost  99% of the time. If you didn’t know ahead of time, the baby doesn’t make it. But when, you know, ahead of time, it literally changes to  99% of the time. The baby’s fine if you know, and if you can plan and if you all of that.

[00:25:56] And so when I saw that. It was really a miracle that we knew. And so when I started to view it like that, that’s when I saw like, just how God it was so faithful and protecting this baby by bringing this to our  knowledge.

[00:26:13] Erin: Yeah, no, I, I asked, cause I was actually saying with my husband, you know, like in asking you, how was God faithful? I feel like many of the markers of his faithfulness is how he orchestrated everything that you knew and saved Samuel. Right. But how about the families who it goes differently, you know? And, that  doesn’t mean God’s not faithful.

[00:26:39] Jillian: Yeah. Hmm. I’ve thought of that so much because I’ve really, I’ve really had to wrestle with, I can’t rightfully say  God is faithful because look at what he’s done and not also acknowledge that I have known people that have lost children, whether miscarriage or after. And yet God is still faithful. That’s a really hard thing to, to think through. I find, because I never want to come across as like, God has been faithful to me because of all these good things. It’s like, yes, that’s true. But also true is that. God is faithful in the hard times, too. And the, the heartbreaking times.

[00:27:24] And,  I think in that conversation, my husband and I had of thinking through the worst, it again was just such a choice of trusting God that this doesn’t mean God’s not good. This doesn’t mean he’s changed. But that he’s still worthy of our trust. He’s worthy of our trust whether we feel it or not, whether we see it or not.  I just read today, ” who hopes for what they can see.”  Hope is  something you can’t see.   God is faithful. Even when we can’t see it. And so that’s a really hard question and answer.  Yet something I think I’ll be learning about my whole life. Oh yeah. Being in the NICU was Samuel after he was born. I was just very aware of that  he did really well, but there were babies that didn’t. And so it’s, it’s just that reality of God is faithful either way and it’s easier to see it when things go well and it’s much harder to see it. when things don’t.

[00:28:32]Erin: I do feel like the dichotomy of  putting that alongside that God is faithful, even if it went differently, but yet you could see the steps of his protection, protector and being Samuel’s  protector. , it makes me ask the question like, God, what do you have planned for this boy?

[00:28:51] Jillian: Yes. Okay. I know, I think about that a lot.  

[00:28:56] When I found out I was pregnant with Samuel I had just started reading first Samuel just coincidentally. And so that was part of why we both felt like if we have a boy, we really wanted to name him Samuel. Cause  I just really was starting to, I appreciate his character in the Bible.

[00:29:14] And so we knew if it was a boy’s name would be Samuel. but what’s really amazing about story of Samuel is how, when Hannah. Has Samuel because she couldn’t have a child for so long. She just, I treasured him so much. And she  came to a point of at a young age, just devoting him to the Lord, giving him over to the Lord.

[00:29:34]I think about that a lot. When I think of Samuel. I didn’t struggle the way Hannah did to conceive Samuel, but the idea that God really gave him  in such a clear way as a gift to us, that I just want to give him back to the Lord in that same sense. Of like, whatever you have for Samuel. he is yours. He’s mine, but he’s ultimately yours. And he, and, he’s a gift, for us to steward and to raise. But I just pray over his life.  I don’t know what he has, but you can’t help, but wonder, what it is for God’s glory.

[00:30:09] He has no idea what you went through. So I can’t wait until he’s at an age where he can really grasp  the work that God has already done in his life.

[00:30:17]  Erin: We are out of time for today. And I think that’s a great place to stop with  Samuel, the story that he has no idea what God is already working in his life at this young age. It’s exciting  to think about that  jillian. Thank you for sharing your story, with us today and friends. Thank you for joining us today. It is my prayer that hearing God’s faithfulness in other people’s stories will cause you to look for his faithfulness in your own life. It is my prayer that hearing how God supported their faith and encourage them to step out and trust will encourage you to trusting more fully.

[00:30:58] I also want to give a shout out to my friend, Jim Daugherty, who created  the music for the show.

[00:31:05] Don’t forget to like, and subscribe. So you don’t miss the next show where we will be continuing our conversation with Jillian . She will be sharing the details around Samuel’s birth and some additional attributes that she learned about God in this time of distress and loneliness. You don’t want to miss it.

[00:31:21]If you want to learn more about the work that Geoff and Jillian are doing in Montreal, check out their website at Evangel Quebec, I’m going to put a link in the show notes so that you don’t have a problem finding it.

[00:31:35] I’m going to leave you with this reminder. We are God’s workmanship created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them. I am praying for you as you keep on stepping.