Hi, this is Erin Michelle, and welcome to steps to trusting. It is a goal here to meet you where you are in your faith journey. And to encourage you to continue to take steps to trust in God more fully.

[00:00:16]  Welcome back friends.   Last time we started a conversation with Jillian Wright. Where she shared how she found herself in a high risk pregnancy. We left off seeing how God was working his hand of protection over her young boy’s life. Today, we’re going to jump in and see how God was working in Jillian, too.

[00:00:37] We’ll focus on how God used these challenges in her life to show her that God is trustworthy and our truest friend. If you haven’t tuned into last weeks, show check it out. But I’m about to jump right in.

[00:00:49]Jillian, I was thinking a little bit about your story and thinking about how it’s almost, because things were hard that caused you to slow down.

[00:00:58] Erin: They caused you to be able to see that it’s God’s protection and God’s working in your life. How do you feel about that statement?

[00:01:08] Jillian: Yeah, for sure.  It’s really interesting.  Coming from a place of having two pregnancies that were very normal and no issues and then a high risk pregnancy. It made me realize how. Yes, this was a very different pregnancy, and so it was, it’s really clear how God worked and yet God was also working in those others.

[00:01:30]   There’s just so much that you take for granted or that you just don’t think about when things are normal.  Then when something like this happens, it really does  stop you in your tracks. Slow you down.  Make you  meet with God. And seek his face and realize that God has the only one in control.

[00:01:52]  I remember right after finding out about the,  issue realizing I had this like very clear realization of I have no control.  Just the contrast of when you have a regular pregnancy, how, when everything’s going well, you really do you feel like you’re in control. Even though when you stopped to think about it, you really not.

[00:02:15] You can eat, right. You can do all the right things, but ultimately  what’s going on inside of you when you’re pregnant is just happening. You’re not making it happen.  God is making that happen. God is knitting your children together and your womb. When I found out about Samuel, it  brought me to this place of, wow.

[00:02:32] I actually have no control.  I can’t move my placenta.  Even what the diagnosis was… there are some things that pregnancy where you can try this, you can try that. This was something where you there’s literally nothing you can do, but wait.  If anything’s going to change. And so it really brought me to a place of I had no control. And so all I can do is trust the only one who it’s in control.   It’s a good place to be because it puts you  face to face with the Lord, but it’s also a humbling place to be in a hard place to be because we like to have control.

[00:03:06] Erin: Even as you were taking those  inward steps of trusting God and knowing that he was in control. There were still outward things that you  are called to do to protect yourself and to protect Samuel? What are the outward things that you were acting on or that you had to do?

[00:03:25]Jillian: In your mind, you’re kind of forced to rest. It reminds me right now to what we’re all going through quarantine and being forced to, to stop. For your health, for other people’s health. But this was for Samuel. So, so, yeah, and it was an interesting change,  the situation of placenta previa to Vasa previa, because at first it was more like me that was at risk. Then with. vasa  previa it switched to Samuel being at risk. And so that’s when it, it was much more like,  if I do something that it could cause him harm, like it’s all on him.  I will most likely be okay. And that was much harder then just myself. And so it became even more significant,  you have to take this seriously .

[00:04:12]Erin:  What did the doctors have you do as you were getting closer to the delivery time?

[00:04:17]Jillian: So, this is a pretty rare thing. And so because of that, there’s not like a text book at 32 weeks, they need to be admitted to the hospital. But it is a strong recommendation that at 32 weeks , sometimes even 30 weeks, you should be admitted to the hospital. Just ahead of time in case something were to happen.

[00:04:40] Because like I had said earlier, you just wouldn’t have enough time. If you were home.

[00:04:46] They did another ultrasound to confirm and, of course confirmed everything . She said to me. Okay. So when do you want to be admitted. And I was like, well, when do you think I should be admitted? It was so laid back.

[00:05:02] I remember feeling so like, how has she taken this so lightly?  but at the same time being like, well , she said she had seen this,  twice before. This was like, really, sobering that the two that she had, the baby actually didn’t, survive because they didn’t know ahead of time.  That was a very like, Wow.  Another reminder of the gift it was to know about this.

[00:05:31] So the following Monday I’d be 32 weeks. And so she said you can come in then, or maybe the day after.

[00:05:38]We knew it would be the next week, but we weren’t sure exactly which day.

[00:05:41]The plan was to be admitted at 32 weeks and be there, until 35 weeks and have a C-section then.

[00:05:50]Erin: Can you tell us about that first day in the hospital? And how that day went.

[00:05:55]Jillian: I felt very relieved to be in the hospital at that point, because I woke up and I was having a lot of contractions. that gave me like a little taste of the fear that if something really were to happen at home, it just felt really scary.

[00:06:10]But that next day it was just like, Horribly boring. It was very lonely. They’ve been telling me all day, like the doctor will come by and go over things with you later. And then maybe tomorrow you can have like a tour of the NICU just in case you need it. So there’s a lot being planned. And, so that night a doctor came in and he  basically express everything I was feeling.

[00:06:35] He’s like, I know that it must feel strange that you’re here, even though nothing’s technically happening and you’re here just in case.

[00:06:43]Then he said, you know, it really is the best place to be right now for the situation that you’re in.  Then he said, and this is what really made me stop  in my tracks. He said, if something happens. Like, if your water breaks, you need to scream.

[00:06:59] He was being very scientific. And then he said that and I was like, wow, that’s like really heavy. But it was just  his way of being really clear,  how serious  it would be if something were to happen. And so that was kind of a wake up call and a good reminder that this is where I need to be.

[00:07:17] And that God, has me where I need to be, but it was very much like that’s not going to happen. Like why would that happen? I  didn’t have an early labor with any of my other two kids and having what I had, isn’t like an indicator for early labor.  It’s not. Usually. And so he said that. That was around 6:30 and then that night, at like 10:30, I decided to go to sleep and I put my hospital bed like all the way back.

[00:07:50] I remember like pushing the button and as soon as I got all the way back, my water broke.  Instant denial. Like even though I knew I was just. Like there’s no way, like how, so I just did what the doctor said and they started screaming.   I just push the buttons and I was like screaming. My water had broken, but the vessels that were at risk of  rupturing didn’t.  that is like the big thing. So if your water breaks, it, put those at risk, of bursting. And if that happened, that’s when you would have 15 minutes. To get the baby out. So the big goal after that was just to keep that from happening.

[00:08:31] So they had me like, not upside down, but slanted backwards, trying to just keep any pressure off that we could.

[00:08:39] We had, friends coming to visit from Maine. And so when I called Geoff to tell him, what happened, they had just gotten there like two minutes before. And so it was really a miracle,  just incredible provision from the Lord.  Geoff just left,  he left the kids with them.

[00:08:57] We didn’t really have a plan. Like we’ve got a couple of people we could have called and they would have for sure been over, but it would have taken more time to do that. And so  that was just amazing.  So Geoff was able to be there. It’s like a half an hour drive and to think he was there in like 15 minutes, so, Oh yeah. So he got, he got a parking ticket overnight. Cause he just parked anywhere. We put it in Sam’s baby box.

[00:09:23]So we could, okay.

[00:09:25] Erin: It was worth it.

[00:09:26] Jillian: Yeah. So yeah, that was an amazing provision. So Jeff got to the hospital and he said when he got there, the nurses were just  freaking out,  in the hallway, like didn’t know what to do. And that was the whole  vibe I was feeling as well from them. A lot of times they recommend already having  an IV hooked up to you so that you can just go right into the C-section, but we just didn’t even have time to get that done.

[00:09:53] And so that was a huge part of what they were trying to do to be able to start my C-section and it took so many times. It was like six or seven attempts just to get an IV in me. And so all the while I’m just feeling like time is ticking and I’m just constantly afraid. So afraid and another doctor kept saying maybe your water didn’t break. And that was really frustrating because I knew that it had broken. So it took her a while to be convinced until eventually it was like really obvious that my water had broken. And, so finally, when it was like definitive, like, okay, we’re going to do the C-section.

[00:10:35] I remember this nurse coming up to me and saying the doctor on call that day. Wasn’t my doctor that was planned, but she said he’s  the best doctor in the hospital. And he’s been there longer than any. There’s like a list of 20 that are there. It’s a huge hospital. He has been there longer than any of them.

[00:10:52] So that was such a relief.  He was amazing. He was very just, I just think God Knew that’s who. I needed for that night. So they rushed me to the OR. And I didn’t have any, my plan during my weeks  of doing nothing was to read about C-sections. I had never had a C-section. I knew very little about it, so I was going to be  prepared.

[00:11:14] And so I was so not prepared mentally.  They were having me sign off on things as they’re pushing me down the hallway.  It was all happened really fast. So my water broke at 10:30. I think , by the time we actually were in the operating room, it was like 11:30 and then Sam was born at 12:02 in the morning.

[00:11:32]  I remember when I finally heard him cry, it was such a relief.  At that point I felt like I could breathe.  I felt like he is okay. He’s going to be okay. And so Geoff went with Samuel and, then. they just, they took care of me.

[00:11:50] And so that’s how it all happened.   I remember too,  being really afraid and saying to the nurse, like it’s too early, I’m only 32 weeks. It’s too early. And she told me, you know, we have babies born at 26 weeks here, who survive and who need help, but they eventually are, are fine. And so that alone stuck with me like, wow.

[00:12:13]He’s going to be okay. And, so yeah, we’re just, I was so relieved once it was finally over.

[00:12:21]Erin:  I think you said it was about  an hour and a half before he was born from the time you’re waterbroke in that time. 

[00:12:29] It probably felt so long, but yet chaotic and a lot going on. Do you remember how you felt  as far as, did you feel  God peace or how did you, how were you feeling in that? Or was it just like so hectic you couldn’t even think about anything, but like do what you need to do and get me,  to the ER?

[00:12:48] Jillian: Yeah. I mean,  it definitely felt more hectic than anything, but I do remember through most of it just praying out loud,  I was just praying . At that point, there’s like no reservations.  I was just praying that God would protect him over and over again, like it was very simple, almost  childlike prayers, like just please help please help.

[00:13:11] Same with my husband. And so in that sense, I did feel that  God’s spirit was with me, but  it wasn’t peaceful at all.  it was very scary and yet. I did feel God with me.  I did feel, I didn’t know what was going to happen, but I, I knew that he was hearing me.

[00:13:28] So,

[00:13:29] Erin: yeah.

[00:13:30] Jillian: yeah.

[00:13:31]Erin: After the baby was born and you were separated and, you were  left there by yourself. I know you had shared that part of the story in your blog. What did you do or what were you feeling  in that waiting ?

[00:13:44] Jillian: Yeah. Yeah. That was, that was very, very hard.  they wheeled me to the recovery area was the only one there because it was the middle of the night. And it was like pitch black except for my little cubby.

[00:14:01] So I was just alone . I remember them saying you have to,  stay here until some of the numbness wears off. So tell you can move your legs.  again, I didn’t know anything about C-section, so I didn’t really know how long that would take, but it took like two and a half hours.

[00:14:17] So was just laying there not knowing how things are going,  feeling like if something was really bad, maybe Geoff would come let me know.  But I really didn’t know.  Finally, I couldn’t move my legs a little bit. And so they, they said, okay, we’re going to wheel you to the room now. And for some reason, in my mind, I thought they meant Sam’s room, the NICU. I just didn’t understand. I was thinking they’re going to wheel me to meet my son. Cause I didn’t even see Samuel.  You see pictures of women that have C-sections and they’re able to bring the baby right to their face and I understood why they couldn’t.

[00:14:54] And yet it was still really hard.  I didn’t know what he looked like. I hadn’t seen him. And so I just wanted to see him so bad.  So they wheel me to this room and there was a room with. It was a shared room it was middle of the night.

[00:15:09] So it was pitch black and  three other women had already had their babies and there’s babies in there crying, but pitch black. And like, if you turn your light on it, lights up the whole room. And so I’m just sitting in the dark and at that point then I’d have no one cause they won’t.

[00:15:23] It wasn’t like a nurse  or anyone. And so, I’m just waiting. And I think it was at least another hour before Jeff finally came to that room and, was able to reassure me that it was okay. He needs a lot of help, but he’s okay. But  those couple of hours looking back, They’re just very dark and very hard and very, just wondering, wondering a lot of things.

[00:15:51] And so, when I first got admitted to the hospital, I remember that first day in the hospital feeling so lonely and wishing I had a friend and. I knew I had friends, but wishing I had a friend there with me.

[00:16:06] And, I remember learning just that day that Jesus is my friend. Jesus is my savior and my King. And I knew that really well, but I had never come to a point, so intimately feeling and experiencing Jesus as my friend.  I felt that the day before all this happened in the hospital.

[00:16:26] I really pulled on that and leaned on that during those hours of being like, okay, I’m alone. I feel like nobody cares about me right now, even though I know that wasn’t true, but that’s how I felt.  Yet Jesus is my friend , and that’s what I needed it more than anything was  a friend. And so it’s something, I still tell my  friends that longing for friendship is given to us by God, but no one can fulfill it completely the way he can. I tell my kids that Jesus is our truest friend. , it’s just kind of one of our family things. Jesus is our truest friend.  he’ll never leave you. He will always be with you. And so I really learned that deeply during that time.

[00:17:10]  Erin: What blessing do you think you would’ve missed? If you hadn’t gone through  the pregnancy in this way?

[00:17:16] Jillian: Yeah, I thought about that. I think it would just be the nearness of God during dark times and heartbreak, one of the, Psalms that I read through this pregnancy over and over again, I read it like the day before this happened, and then I remember reading it again the day after, just you’re such thankfulness with Psalm 34.

[00:17:45]  I’ll just read the part that meant the most, to me, it says “I sought the Lord and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant and their faces shall never be ashamed. This poor man cried and the Lord heard him and saved him out of all his troubles, the angel of the Lord in camps around those who fear him and delivers him.”

[00:18:08] And then a little bit further down, it says “when the righteous cry for help. The Lord hears.” And “the Lord is near to the brokenhearted.”

[00:18:16] That’s what I felt  the Lord’s , nearness to my heart that at times felt broken and at times felt. Just so needy.  It’s a nearness that you can’t experience unless you’re in that place.  Of course, God is always near but I definitely wouldn’t have experienced it so intimately if I hadn’t gone through this. Thankful for that.

[00:18:42]Erin:  That makes me think of  a journal entry that you wrote  towards the end of your stay.  I was wondering if you would read that for us.

[00:18:49] Jillian: Sure.  . So I said today while walking the halls of the NICU for the millionth time, I had the realization that I’m not the same person as I was even two to three weeks ago. I’m keenly aware that I’ve been changed right now. It feels painful, but I also feel it will. One day prove fruitful and strong and above all allow me to be a better servant and friend to those who are suffering.

[00:19:15] I’ve never felt so intertwined with true suffering, but also so aware of how others are suffering so much more. It’s like a whole world. I didn’t know about that. So many walks are daily in different ways, and I want to see them better.

[00:19:31] That’s something I wrote, during, when Sam was in the NICU. And, when I would take breaks from being with him and just walking the halls and seeing people there, suffering and other parents the going through what I’m going through, but some going through much worse and just feeling  this heaviness that  if you’re not experiencing it, you don’t know. And, realizing  or wanting  God to use that, in my life  for the future and for whoever he would have me encourage and anyone that goes through something similar that I went through, just desiring it, not to be wasted. So. That’s where that came from.

[00:20:15] Erin: Have you felt that, it has made you different this past year with Samuel be in about one.

[00:20:23] Jillian: Yeah, I do. in the sense that, you know, when I hear of people going through anything, really, anything that involves hospital stay or, anything like that it gives me has definitely given me more, a heart of compassion for people. You know, it’s something that, I’m not going to say, I want to know someone that goes through this, but I guess I’m kind of in this place of waiting, like if a friend of mine ever has anything like this, or I just feel so, encouraged that God can use me and that hasn’t happened directly yet.

[00:20:56]But I, I know that God will use it one day  so that I can speak specifically into someone who’s going through similar things, but in general, I do feel it has just given me more compassion for people.

[00:21:11]Erin: What do you know about God now that you didn’t know about him before this experience?

[00:21:15]Jillian:  Really that he’s worthy of our trust, because there is a lot of, there’s a lot that we can trust in, in this life that will fall short and that does fall short.  But he is worthy of our trust. He’s the only one that, that deserves that full trust. There’s a Psalm, I forget where it is, but it’s about how God is our refuge and  our help.  There’s another translation of it that says he’s a well proved help. And I love that translation because yeah, it’s true.

[00:21:52] Like he is well proved , he is worthy of our trust. He has proved his worthiness and there’s nothing more he needs to do to prove that.  The verse that I really was reminded of was Jeremiah 17:7 says, “blessed is he who trusts in the Lord, whose trust is the Lord.

[00:22:13] And I was listening to a sermon about this, a couple of months ago.  I’ve heard that verse before, but it was never explained to me like this.  It just really hit my heart in a different way.  What he said was that sometimes we can trust in the Lord for what our heart actually wants, meaning,  we can trust in the Lord for something we want more than the Lord. Like I’m trusting in the Lord for this job and I’m trusting in the Lord for children.  None of those things aren’t bad in themselves, but it’s like in a way it’s almost like using God for what we want more than him.  But the second part of the verse says whose trust is the Lord, which is, is a whole other level of trust because you’re trusting in the Lord and your trust is the Lord himself. And I found , thinking through that and looking back on my experience with Sam, like there was that temptation of trusting in the Lord for everything to be okay. And of course it’s not wrong to want everything to be okay.  That’s what we all want. But I think what I was really confronted with was, what about  trusting in him, for who he is. Like trusting that my trust would be him so that whatever happens won’t break me. Yes, it would be devastating. But if my trust is the Lord himself, then, and anything can happen and I’m going to be okay. It doesn’t mean it’s not going to be hard, but I’m going to have the Lord no matter what, nobody can take him away from me.

[00:23:48]It’s really like heart work, like asking the Lord, desiring things is not bad, but just all the while being like, God

[00:23:56] have that in its proper place.  Would you be my greatest desire? Jesus is our truest friend.  nothing can be as enough as him. And out of that, like, I trust your will for whatever else may come.

[00:24:11] Erin: So how does knowing these things about God prepare you to continue to step out in faith?

[00:24:17]Jillian:  I see it as a, something to constantly draw back on.  Everything that was true about God through Samuel story. And through my story in it, it’s always going to be true just in different scenarios. So he, he’s our truest friend and he’s worthy of our trust. He’s our protector. And, all of those things are true. And I was able to experience that so intimately . It’s something that I just draw back on in other times. It’s like a foundation of faith.  We are so forgetful. And yet when I spend time to actually remember , actually today is the day that Samuel came home last year.

[00:25:02] Erin: Congratulations on Samuel being home one year.

[00:25:05] Jillian: Yeah. That’s so it’s so fun to think back on. 

[00:25:09]I felt very redemptive.

[00:25:11] So it’s been one year. And so just thinking about that, I was just spending time today being , amazed about that.  so for sure. It’s all of these truths about him that I had learned. It’s something to be used forever and to be drawn back, back to those truths.

[00:25:27]Erin: If you could summarize the steps that you took in faith through this process, how would you summarize those steps?

[00:25:35]Jillian:  I’d say, first of all, it was  coming to the realization of my inability to control and my, weakness really, that I could not control the situation. It couldn’t change the situation , that pushed me to, to the Lord and to trusting him and believing that he was in control.

[00:25:57] Once I was able to acknowledge and believe you are in control, then I was able to trust him and come to a point of realizing it’s best that I’m in control because God is so powerful.  He is the only one that would have the power  to change the situation or to protect Samuel.

[00:26:19] So it was it was definitely first kind of like dying to myself, coming to the Lord and then trusting him. But that trust was very much like him. Pulling me to that point . It was a choice in the sense that it, it didn’t come naturally, but it was also  the spirit for sure.

[00:26:39]Teaching me every day.  Renewing  of a trust every day.

[00:26:44]Erin:   I was wondering, would you be willing to close us in prayer?

[00:26:48] Jillian: Yeah, I would love to do that.  God, thank you so much for this time to just share about, what you did with Samuel. Through my pregnancy with him through his birth and  his life.  I just pray that, that you would use my words to encourage, but to most of all, point people back to you. I thank you for these lessons and trusting and growing our faith and realizing that, you are worthy of our trust.

[00:27:19] I pray that. All of these things would be not quickly forgotten, but that they would give us strength for today and tomorrow.  Thank you that you never change and that  you are the same God that you were in this situation for,  everyone who trusts in you to praise you for that in Jesus’ name.

[00:27:39] Amen.

[00:27:39] Erin: amen. Thank you, Jillian. 

[00:27:42] Is there any specific ways that we could be praying for, you.

[00:27:47]Jillian:  For our ministry. That’d be great,  praying for where we’re at here,  we’re just always as people and just pray for our neighbors to meet Jesus. Praying for our ministry and,  for us as we raise these kids.

[00:28:00]Erin: Could you tell us where we can find more out about your ministry?

[00:28:04]Jillian: Sure. Yeah. So our ministry here is called Evangile  Quebec, which it’s French, but it just means the gospel quebec.  We have a Facebook page, so it’s just E V A  N G I L E Quebec. So that’s where we post,   our newsletters. Then we also have a page called redemption Montreal, which is our focus on this beginning of a church plant in our specific neighborhood. So that’s kind of newer, but that’s where my husband’s been posting some podcasts and just kind of some more information about kind of, even on a smaller scale of what we’re doing. So those two places are good. And then. If anyone was interested in  directly receiving our emails, on our Facebook page, there’s our website.

[00:28:54] And then there’s a link to sign up for, for those emails. So you could always do that too.

[00:28:59]Erin: great. Thank you, Jillian.

[00:29:01]friends, I will link all those things in the show notes. So you have an easy time Finding Jillian and Jeff’s ministry.

[00:29:08]And thank you so much for joining us today. If you want to hear me more details that we didn’t cover on Samuel’s story, you can find the whole story at JillianAWright.wordpress.com.

[00:29:21] Here at steps to trusting. We want to encourage you in your faith and trusting God. If you were encouraged today, don’t forget to like subscribe and share with a friend.

[00:29:31] I hope that you’ll join us for our next show. Focusing on the topic of friendship with God and a special thank you to my friend, Jim Daugherty for creating the music for the podcast. You can check out his album, city of God on Apple music, Spotify, or wherever you do music.

[00:29:49] Don’t forget friends. We are God’s workmanship created in Christ Jesus for good works, which he prepared beforehand that we should walk in them, blessing to you guys. As you keep on stepping.