Hi, I’m Erin, Michele, and welcome to steps to trusting. Thank you for joining us today. It is my goal here to meet you where you are in your faith journey and encourage you to continue to take steps to trusting the Lord more fully.

[00:00:20] Today on the show, I had a friend Shannon share her story and guys. Shannon has a hard story. She has had hard things happen to her. And I know that many of you out there listening have also walked through hard times. Your story may not look like Shannon’s, but the truths that she learned along the way will still apply.

[00:00:44] I hope that as you listen to Shannon’s story, that you will hear the truth that applies to you wherever you are today and whatever you have already walked through.

[00:00:55] I’m here with Shannon Bradbury. Shannon is a wife and mother of five. She’s an author, and can often be found encouraging moms on Instagram to love themselves. Well. Hi, Shannon. Thank you so much for being here with me today.

[00:01:08] Shannon: Hey, Erin. I’m so glad. This is so fun.

[00:01:11] Erin: So, Shannon, you have a pretty tough story. And for all of you listening, we’re not going to be able to take time to go through all the details of her story today.

[00:01:20] But we are going to focus on how Shannon is continually moving closer to a place of peace with a story that God has called her to walk through. Shannon, would you share a bit of your story with us and tell us what your childhood was like?

[00:01:34] Shannon: So, growing up, I had an abusive childhood and I had some, not just physical abuse but I was sexually abused too as a young girl. Just a lot of struggle growing up my parents fought a lot. Then when my parents decided to divorce I was 10 years old.

[00:01:55] Erin: With all the hard things going on around you where did you turn for stability and joy?

[00:02:01] Shannon: I loved from the time I was probably 13 or 14, I loved babysitting and I loved working with kids at church and I was really good in children’s ministry.  When I was in my twenties I became a nanny. For the first time in my life I realized this is what I want to do for the rest of my life.  I realized I wanted to be a mom. It just brought out all the good qualities in my heart and the nurturing and the just love And I was really really good at it.

[00:02:33] Erin: How did this expectation and desire translate into your early marriage?

[00:02:38] Shannon: So, I wanted to be a mom and I felt like I was validated for that and even the people I nannied for were like we could see you doing this for the rest of your life. You’re so good at this. So, I kind of took that identity on. It went into my marriage even though there were some broken parts of my heart still because of the abuse of my childhood, that affected me in my motherhood like my skills and my fears if I was going to be a good mom but it became my identity.

[00:03:10] Erin: I very much relate to the idea of finding value and identity in motherhood. And I’m sure that whether it’s motherhood or whether it’s something else that our listeners also have found themselves in a time and a place where they have put their identity in something that they no longer have control over.  I know that that’s the story for you. That you had your first son and as you had great joy and you found yourself really good at being a mom just as you found yourself really good at being a nanny is that your identity more and more was placed in to   being a mom and being good at being a mom. Can you tell us what happened next?

[00:03:55] Shannon: Later on, I miscarried and I couldn’t have kids anymore. That became very hard to deal with because it was my identity.  People told me this is what you’re good at.  when I couldn’t do that anymore and I didn’t have that to lean on I went through an identity crisis almost like what am I supposed to do now? This was all that I was good at.  This was my life and I even was good at having babies.  I had my baby’s home birth and I was good at nursing.  And so, everyone’s like you’re so good at having babies, so good at being pregnant. You’re so good at having home birth and nursing.  If people could see you now, my midwives would tell me people could see you now in your birth what you’re doing you’re just so good at this.  Then I started miscarrying and I couldn’t do it anymore. And it broke my heart you know because I was like this was what my life was and now what am I going to do.

[00:04:49] Erin: Shannon after that first miscarriage a pattern started happening in your life. Can you tell us a little bit about that pattern?

[00:04:58] Shannon: But yeah, I had a baby then I had a miscarriage. Then I had a baby. Then I had a miscarriage. When we moved from Kansas City to Tennessee, I had three miscarriages in a row and that was very very difficult to walk through.

[00:05:12] Erin: Shannon, it’s hard to hear that you had to walk through that loss and I’m sure it was so hard to walk through it.  I’m so sorry that you had to go through that hurt and through that pain. And I’m so sorry to those of you listening no matter what your story of loss is I’m sorry for the hurt and pain that you’ve had to walk through.

[00:05:35] Can you explain to us your feeling of loss and how it’s become entangled in your identity?

[00:05:43] Shannon: I remember thinking, I wish I didn’t have miscarriages. I wish that that part of my story never happened.   I wanted Jesus to rescue me from my pain.  So, I felt like a failure I felt like I want to have a big family but I can’t.  I’m losing these babies.

[00:06:00] I avoided my pain.  Then I also use comfort to hide.  I loved food and I’m not overweight but I would go to food for comfort.  I loved reading books and movies and it became like a way to zone out.   I listened to hours and hours of worship, not to connect with God but just to zone out. Not to feel the pain to numb it.  My motto became the show must go on.  Like I need to avoid this pain because the show must go on. The pain would come up but I would resist it. I would start crying and then I’d be like Nope Nope don’t go there. If the pain would come up like sometimes it would be why I was talking to the kids instead of crying about it and letting them see me cry or you know going in another room I would just like say Nope no we’re not going to deal with this.

[00:06:56] Erin: What do you think brought you to a point where it was clear that something needed to change from that reaction?

[00:07:01] Shannon: So, I think the change to move on, I decided to go to a women’s conference in Kansas City. One of the ladies that was speaking that day talked about identity.  I was like I am definitely going to go to this session because I need to grow in my identity with God. I need to have more confidence.  She started talking about identity and she was talking about how we’re fearfully and wonderfully made. Then she was talking about her body image and how we compare ourselves with other women.   It was really really good. And then afterwards one of the leader got up and she said some of you can’t even listen to this message because there’s such a deep grief.     She said you can’t even receive this identity message, you can’t even go there because you haven’t grieved your losses.  she said a lot of you have had miscarriages and you haven’t dealt with it. She just went on to express her deep grief for people that were experiencing miscarriages but that hadn’t dealt with them.   She said she had a miscarriage and she’s like it really broke me. She’s like I just sobbed and sobbed and just really grieved hard.  She prayed over us and she said I pray that the cisterns of grief would be open.  A lady got up and started leading worship and I was talking to God in my mind and I was like God we’re okay.  I’ve dealt with this miscarriage thing.  I’ve grieved my losses. I’m fine.  As I sat there and listened to the beautiful piano music, I just started sobbing uncontrollably and I couldn’t stop.  I was really embarrassed because I am very private about my emotions and didn’t want to be embarrassed in front of people. But I chose to sit there and just sob.  I sat there and I cried.  I notice other women around me were crying too so I wasn’t too embarrassed.   My friend next to me was crying but I didn’t want to embarrass my friends but I was just sobbing uncontrollably. So, after a few minutes I went up to the leader and I said I’ve had seven miscarriages.  My husband is in leadership at our church and I homeschool. When you said that I just felt like I couldn’t grieve because of my husband being in leadership and I have to homeschool so I can’t grieve.  My sister in law lost her son and I didn’t feel like my loss was as important as hers. And she’s like, first of all Shannon I am so sorry that you had to go through this.  Your loss is not any different than anybody else’s and it is totally okay for you to cry.  She just gave me permission there to just grieve my losses and she prayed with me.  Then she said to me go home and talk to God about how you’re feeling. Tell him that you’re angry and tell him how you feel and be honest about how you feel. So, I think that thing for me was making the choice to grieve.  And from this point on I’m actually going to sit and I’m going to grieve my losses. And so, when my kids were go to bed at night, I would cry and I would pray and I would say tell God how angry I was.  From that point on it wasn’t like a fast process but it was a slow process of me making the decision to grieve and cry and tell God I was angry. And that was a turning point in my life.

[00:10:24] Erin: Do you have any verses that you clung to in that time or that you look at now that reassure you of how God loves you and values you?

[00:10:34] Shannon: Yeah, Psalms 139: 16 -18 I’m not going to read the whole thing but the part about being fearfully and wonderfully made. And then the part where he says “how precious are your thoughts to me oh God. How great is the sum of them. If I should count them they would be more number than the sand.”  Just how he thought about me.

[00:10:54] Erin: And how do you feel like God sustained you and supported you in that time of letting the grief come?

[00:11:01] Shannon: I feel like he sustained me by giving me permission to grieve. I feel like me going to the conference and the leader praying over me saying that it’s okay for you to grieve. It’s okay for you to be angry. It’s okay for you to tell God how you feel.  Then I think other people helped me in that step of grieving and encouraged me.

[00:11:30] Psalms 34:5 was a key verse for me because of shame that I felt those who look to him are radiant and then their faces shall never be ashamed.  I remember just meditating on that verse a lot. Just thinking about that verse like those who look to him are radiant and their faces shall never be ashamed. God, you don’t want me to be ashamed. You want me to be radiant.

[00:11:55] Erin: It seems like before grieving that you knew those truths about how God felt about you but did you let those truths affect you?

[00:12:07] Shannon: I feel like there was a disconnect with the way God felt to me and how I actually felt about myself.   I didn’t really believe it until after that conference.  I started to practice it. I started to participate in my healing.  Before it was just like yeah God loves me. But I honestly felt like I had to perform to get his love.  I didn’t take the responsibility to agree with what he said about me.  I know those verses, but it didn’t really sink in. I felt like he was really disappointed in me because of the miscarriages. And so, I wasn’t able to really believe the truth. Even though I felt those verses and at the time I felt his love but yeah there was such a disconnect there where I wasn’t able to actually start believing the truth.

[00:13:02] Erin: What were you ashamed of before that?

[00:13:06] Shannon: I think that was ashamed of who I was as a person- that I wasn’t enough, that I was never good enough. My personality to the core of who I was, I was embarrassed by.  I don’t want to blame anybody but I think it probably stems from my childhood.  Just the intense feelings of shame that I felt because of abuse, trauma and situations that I was embarrassed by. And so, it came up into miscarriages.  I had shame there. Like, I keep having these miscarriages what’s wrong with me? And so, there was like a deep shame that I wasn’t enough I wasn’t good enough. And people were going to find me out. They were going to see who I really was and they weren’t going to like me for that.

[00:13:54] Erin:  As you were talking there, I hear that contrast of what God was saying about you and what you knew to be true.  You were like well this is what people think about me. And I think we all struggle through this and identity.  Who am I going to believe more? Am I going to believe what people say about me or am I going to believe what God says about me?

[00:14:17] Shannon:  I think going to the conference was a shift for me because I began that process of starting to agree with what God said about me.

[00:14:27] Erin: What steps where you faced with making inwardly to continue that process of agreeing with God?

[00:14:33] Shannon: Surrender, a daily surrender.  Surrendering my grief. Surrendering my pride that I knew better than God. Believing the truth like when he gave me verses to believe it and participate with him. Crying expressing anger- that was a big thing for me.  Then not hiding.  I’ve always felt like something was wrong with anger and that I couldn’t express it.  

[00:14:59] Erin: What have you learned about God that you didn’t know before this long struggle that you had to go through and before you started that grieving process?

[00:15:09] Shannon: God was closer to me and I was closer to him than any other time in my life.  He heard. He saw my tears and he comforted me and my pain and he was near me.  He doesn’t change and he doesn’t lie. Nothing can change his love for me.  I could trust him that he was good. He says take captive of your thoughts. And so, I had to actually take my thoughts captive. He wasn’t going to do that for me. And I always thought he was going to do that.  I later learned, I actually have to believe him.  I have to participate with him and I have to accept what he says about me is true.

[00:15:48] Erin: I know that we can’t cause people by this conversation to not go through hurt and pain.  In the same way that you had to choose to agree with God and surrender those feelings. They will have to do the same thing. However, when you think back on your story and how it relates to other people is there something that you wish someone told you early in the grieving process or even at the point of loss that helped you to process your hurt and pain?

[00:16:19] Shannon: I don’t think I would have believed them because of the place that I was in. One of my mentors told me after I miscarried, she said Shannon take this time take six weeks and just let yourself grieve.  Feel all the pain and just sit and cry. She also told me that my identity wasn’t in having kids.  She told me to search the Psalms and find my identity in there.   She said when your kids get older and they’re gone your   identity is not in that.  So, she recognized that in me and told me that. Then people told me it’s okay to grieve take all the time you need.  At the same time, I didn’t really believe that I could do that that I could have the permission to do that.  So it wasn’t until the conference when I was given that permission to grieve and feel the way that I feel.  So when the leader told me like Shannon it’s okay to feel the way that you feel.  Then she gave me instructions on what to do next. That’s what I would tell people – it’s okay to grieve and then take that actual time and talk to God and tell them how you feel.  Don’t be afraid if you’re angry and don’t be afraid if you cry.  It’s okay. It’s okay to take that time and take as long as you want. There’s no time limit. So I think I would tell them that.

[00:17:40] Erin: Why do you feel like you didn’t have permission to grieve?

[00:17:46] Shannon: I just felt like I had to move on.   I didn’t like myself. So, I think that was part of the problem. I think if you’re in a good position and you have confidence and you like yourself. I think that you can maybe grieve a little bit differently but I didn’t even feel like I liked myself. So, I couldn’t take that time for myself.   I felt like, Oh I just have to move on and do what everybody else wants me to do.  You know I’m in charge of the nursery and I’m a homeschool mom and I have to drive my husband to work.  So, there’s no time for me. There’s no time to just grieve I just have to help other people. So, a little bit I guess of codependency there.  When I started learning to like myself and working those thoughts out then I was finally able to grieve.

[00:18:29] Erin: Can you explain a little bit what liking yourself looks like?

[00:18:34] Shannon:  For me, it looks like liking who God created me to be and not trying to be somebody else- not comparing myself with somebody else.   Not like jealous, oh I wish I was like this person or I wish I was like that person.  Liking my talents, liking what God has given me.  Then also taking time for myself as a mom.  I had this deep need to be wanted and liked. And so, I could never go away from my kids for very long because I felt like I was so validated when I was with them.  So to take time to just go away and take a bath or like to take time and go away for a day, it was very difficult for me to do that.  As I’ve learned to like myself more.  I’ve learned to take time and not feel guilty and like actually feel like it’s okay to cry and grieve my losses and work through my pain.  I think it comes down to liking yourself, liking who God created you to be.   The verse about being fearfully and wonderfully made. Not trying to be somebody else or wishing I was somebody else but realizing that God loves me for who I am.

[00:19:44] Erin: You talk about loving yourself well, often and encouraging people to do that partially because of this story and realizing that you weren’t taking care of yourself and you weren’t allowing time for the things that you needed and even just having the space to do that. Can you help us to understand what loving yourself well is and how that is connected with the relationship you have with God?

[00:20:14] Shannon: I think loving yourself well is working through your emotions. I think a lot of people have thought that the way I mean by loving yourself well is like taking a bath or like pampering yourself or like watching a movie or eating some chocolate. But loving yourself well isn’t that. It’s like believing in yourself it’s taking care of your emotions. I was stuck in this cycle of shame and the stuck in self-hatred.   I hated myself and so I think it’s dealing with those emotions. It’s not just It’s not just taking a bubble bath. It’s not just eating a piece of chocolate and it’s not just that it’s about dealing with your emotions and processing those with God and like thinking the thoughts that he believes about you.

[00:21:05] Erin: Yeah, I love that because it’s tied with the thing that you can do that gives you time to connect with God. If we become so busy doing all the things for everyone else and we don’t have time to even think about who God says we are then how are we supposed to apply to our lives what God is saying about us? So, I love how taking a bath and pampering yourself could be connected with just having the time to reflect on who God says we are and taking the time to grieve and be by our self in the stillness. Do you have any verses now that are encouraging you where you are currently in your walk of faith that you’d like to pass along to our visitors?

[00:21:50] Shannon: Yes, I love Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord plans to prosper you and not to harm you plans to give you a future and a hope.” And then the Psalms 23:2-3, “he makes me lie down in green pastures He leads me beside quiet waters.”  I just love Psalms 23.

[00:22:12] Erin: Why do you love it so much?

[00:22:14] Shannon: I think because it represents who God is.  He’s my shepherd. I shall not want. I don’t need to want anything because he leads me He guides me. He leads me down in green pastures.  He leads me beside quiet waters. He’s leading me. He’s guiding me. He’s restoring my soul.  I just love that. I love that picture of God.

[00:22:35] Erin: As you were talking about loving ourselves well and applying who God says we are to ourselves.   I have been reminded that I need to do that to all the people in front of me.  As much as I would put on myself “this is what God thinks of me.” I need to remember God sees other people this same way just that I would treat them the same way that God says they are.

[00:23:02] Shannon: That’s convicting.  Cause I know that that’s been a big process for me to love myself well but then in turn to like love other people with that same that is really challenging.

[00:23:15] I know because I have kids and I’m like How would they want to be treated? Are you loving them well?   Would you want to be treated this way?  Like that verse love your neighbor as you love yourself.

[00:23:26] Erin: Yes

[00:23:27] Shannon: That’s good. Practicing that truth. It’s one thing to say it and it’s another thing to practice it but sometimes you have to keep saying it or reminding yourself.

[00:23:35] For me, I’ve had to humble myself you know and be like this isn’t what it’s about I have to surrender and believe the truth.   Believe the truth that he loves me and I don’t have to try to prove to God I don’t have to perform.  

[00:23:50] Erin: Oh, that has been a huge problem for me. Growing up, I placed my identity so much on how other people saw me as the Christian I said that I was.  some of my actions were to perform to stay as the good Christian that I should be.  Rather than actions because I love God And so I’m going to act this way and that’s going to be the overflow.  It wasn’t until a probably about five or so years ago where a material put in front of me the truth that we don’t have to perform for God.  He loves us before we do anything. And I’ve probably heard that my whole life but to say it in these words of like you don’t have to do enough or be enough was a huge shift in how I heard what I’ve been taught.

[00:24:40] Shannon:  I kind of grew up that way too.  My parents affirm me for certain things.  I was a hard worker and they affirmed me for that So I worked hard. I was like okay if you think I’m good because I’m a hard worker then I’m going to work even harder I’m going to get two jobs.  I wanted their validation so bad. I remember after miscarrying kind of coming to that point of like I can’t perform anymore.  I’m done, that surrender.   Also, just learning you don’t have to perform.  You don’t have to perform for people to like you.  You don’t have to perform for God. Gradually it’s shifted you know but I still had to remember that you know like when I got into a moment where I wanted to perform like I don’t have to perform I can just rest knowing that God loves me.

[00:25:25] Erin: The pulls of all the people that you felt like you had to please and perform for seems like that could be a distraction even from your grieving process.  Being a mom who’s homeschooling you have to get up and perform. You have to get up and be the teacher but I don’t have to do these things for love and I think sometimes from the outside it looks the same.

[00:25:48] Shannon: Yeah it does It does except God knows our hearts.  He knows that you’re performing right now. You’re not resting you’re doing this because you want to get approval, not because you know that I like you. You’re doing it because you want other people to like you.

[00:26:04] Erin: I feel like I do the same thing with my own kids. I have to check my heart and saying like am I doing this because I want them to turn around and say thank you? Or am I doing this because I love them and it doesn’t matter what comes back I think I should do the same thing anyway. So often even just their lack of thank you’s reveals my own heart.  What do you mean I just did that for you and you’re not even going to say, Oh I see you mom? Thanks.

[00:26:31] I think that yes, I still need to teach my kids to say thank you but sometimes it shows my heart that it’s about the thank you.  It’s not just teaching them to be polite. It’s that I did that for the like accolades and for being acknowledged.

[00:26:46] If you could summarize some of the steps of faith that you’ve had to walk in this journey, how would you describe those steps you’ve had to take along the way?

[00:26:57] Shannon: I think surrender. I didn’t want this to happen in my life but this did happen and I can’t take that away and I can’t take that back but I have to surrender and I have to accept what I can’t change. I have to humble myself and surrender to what happened and I can’t change that.  Then I think the next step would be participation in my healing.  Taking the choice to say I’m going to grieve my losses and I’m going to meditate on the truth that God says about me. And I’m going to agree with him on what he says about me.

[00:27:34] Erin: Just in summary what are some of those things that you feel like he’s said about you that have changed who you see yourself to be?

[00:27:42] Shannon:  He says that I’m fearfully and wonderfully made, that he loves me. He has a plan for me.   He has hope for me that I don’t need to be ashamed because I trust in him and that I’m accepted in him. He delights over me.

[00:28:01] Erin: So, Shannon what do you think your next step into trusting God more looks like?

[00:28:08] Shannon: I think continually agreeing with God, it’s a daily process.  Agreeing with how God thinks about me and what he says about me and continually surrendering any pain I have or worry or fear or anything that comes up that I surrender that to him. And then continue participating in the process of daily believing the truth about me and his love for me. 

[00:29:16] Erin:  If people want to connect with you  where should they find you?

[00:29:26] Shannon: So, they can find me on Facebook Shannon Bradbury or they can find me on Instagram @Shannon_Bradbury. Yeah, I would love to connect with you That’d be really fun

[00:29:38] Erin: Would you be willing to close us in prayer?

[00:29:41] Shannon: Yeah that’d be awesome.

[00:29:44] Father I pray for these ladies today that are listening. I pray that they would know how the Father feels about them and I pray that they would agree with the way the father feels about them and they would participate.  I pray for any lady today that’s had a miscarriage God. I just pray for them today. I ask you more to comfort them. I ask you Lord to come and bring peace to them.  I pray God that they would feel like it’s okay to grieve. They would feel like it’s okay to cry and it’s okay to take time.  Their baby is so precious and you love them and you love not just their baby but you love them.  I pray that they would feel that God. I pray that they would love themselves well and they would they would agree with how you talk about them.  I just bless them today and I pray that they would prosper and be in health even as our soul prospers in your name. Amen.

[00:30:44] Erin: Amen.

[00:30:44] Thank you so much Shannon

[00:30:46] I wanted to say, thank you to you for joining us today. Don’t forget to like, and subscribe. So, you don’t miss our next show where we will be discussing the topic of performance.

[00:30:57] I want to give a shout out, Jim Dougherty for creating the music for us to enjoy. If you want to hear more from him check out his album, city of God, on Apple music, Spotify, or where you do music. Don’t forget. “We are God’s workmanship created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.” I’m praying for you. As you keep stepping.